1 - キミハカルマ (1771)
忘れたい? 忘れない? 忘れられない
Want to forget? Can’t forget? Unforgettable
キリがない君はカルマ 永遠に恋しい
You’re an eternal karma, I’ll miss you endlessly
何度でも生まれて 何度死んでも
No matter how many times I reborn, no matter how many times I die
君に巡り逢ってしまう そのたび僕は最初の恋をする
I'll encounter you, and feel the first love all over again
One night in a faraway land, the earth shook without any notice that is detectable to human senses, Mother Nature went into a menacing madness, turning everything upside down; leaving a deafening silence and nothing but ruins afterwards. And amidst the debris of a shambled hamlet, a creature stood still under the dim light of a mirthless moon; emitting a solemn and magical air around it. His figure was wrapped in a loose fabric and looked magnificent with a perfectly sculptured face; even more with a pair of wings beautifully jutting off his broad back.
Hokuto had never given much thought about his whole being, for the longest time all he could remember was doing what seemed to be the sole purpose of his existence; guiding human souls from the world to where they belonged thereafter. Year after year, millennium over millennium, He had seen so many lives come and go. He came to understand how fragile human lives are but there was always something enchanting about it, but Hokuto couldn’t pinpoint what exactly that was.
Not until he met a certain human named Jesse Lewis, He was different from every single person Hokuto had ever watched over. Hokuto can’t feel the warmth of the morning sun that humans often talk about, but seeing Jesse Lewis gives him some kind of understanding of how it could possibly feel to him. The smiles that were never directly aimed at him seemed like the gentle light of the full moon. His voice rang like a symphony he often heard back at the place where he was created, Jesse Lewis was special.
Maybe that was what humans call affection; or maybe it was something else, Hokuto shouldn't be capable of fathoming such a mortal thing, but he knew he was always among the odd ones.
In front of him, the man of his thought was lying still, the eyelids hiding a pair of russet-colored eyes that had come too familiar to Hokuto, his face was covered in dirt mixed with the crimson liquid but Hokuto couldn’t take his eyes off even a split second, Hokuto still find Jesse as beautiful as he was.
A glimpse of memory flashed before Hokuto’s eyes, it brought him back to one late afternoon at the vast meadow.
The orange gleam of the dusk illuminating Jesse’s face under the shade of an oak tree, the man was looking far at the horizon in a solemn expression. Jesse was always around people, but from time to time he would go to this certain hill and just stare at the sunset in silence.
“Hi, is there anyone there?” Jesse asked in a soft and low voice, Hokuto had to look around to be sure that there was nobody else there.
“Lately it feels like someone is always watching me, is it just in my head? Hmmm, but it feels real tho” Jesse pulled his knees close to his chest, holding them with both of his hands, his back curved and making himself look smaller. Hokuto watched him in disbelief because as Jesse said He had been watching Jesse for a while and no other beings seemed to be around. Is that possible for a human to feel his existence?
“It’s weird you know, sometimes when I’m alone there is this strong prickle in my heart and I would randomly look around to find nobody was there… but I’m so sure someone? something? was there… ” Jesse mumbled nonchalantly.
“Hahaha, what am I even saying” The giggles continued until his amused mind calmed down, he took a deep breath and looked at the orange-colored sky,
“But… If you’re really there I wish I could see you with my own eyes though…”
Hokuto could feel his eyes widen at Jesse’s words, he found everything Jesse said to be impossible but there was something on the back of his mind that somewhat like Jesse’s idea.
His vision came back to the dark surroundings, Hokuto scooted closer to Jesse and shoved some strands of locks covering Jesse’s face. It was such a weird rule that he wasn’t capable of touching humans until they were one step away from their last breath.
Hokuto could do nothing to save the man, his purpose was to wait for Jesse’s soul to leave the vessel so he could guide it to the next place.
That moment Hokuto saw Jesse’s lids twitch, and slowly the russet eyes were there, looking so weak as the lights were on the verge of wearing off. In the next few seconds, it felt like Jesse was looking straight into his eyes, Hokuto kept telling himself that it was just his mere imagination but then Jesse let out a weak smile, “Finally, I get to see you. You’re very beautiful after all” Jesse’s voice sounded shaky and frail, but his smile was as warm as it had always been.
The whole happening occurred too fast for Hokuto’s consciousness to process, when he snapped back Jesse’s smile was already fading, along with the eyes that were back to shut.
A familiar small ball of light emerged from Jesse’s chest and floating just right above his head, Hokuto guided it to the palm of his hands and he stood straight, he knew where he had to escort Jesse’s soul so Hokuto recited the chant he already knew by heart and a white door appeared in front of him.
Usually, he would let the small orb go over the door right away but this time Hokuto halted for a moment and held it so dear, Hokuto closed his eyes and tried to recall Jesse’s warm smile, until he eventually had to let go of the light in his hands.
As the door vanished into thousands of sparkles Hokuto felt a drip of liquid leaking from the corner of his eyes, it was like something inside him shattered into pieces.
Hokuto looked up to the night sky, he knew the divine existence that brought him into shape was there and watched over him.
“Lord, Am I still what I used to be?” Hokuto asked in a shaky voice, and of course, Hokuto had the answer himself, he had changed, he caught on a mortal feelings. But despite the fact that he has tainted his whole existence, Hokuto found himself clinging to those feelings, for a mere human he had sinned.
Hokuto felt the weight on his back lessened, he saw the feathers fall off like the autumn leaves leaving their branches. He realized that he had betrayed his sole purpose so he understood the consequences, he was going to cease into nothing, and to Hokuto, it hurt less compared to losing Jesse.
“Lord, I admit my sins and I will accept any punishment but with just small mercy please give me the chance to meet him again” and that was Hokuto’s last and only hope, his entire being vanished along with the winds.
Little did Hokuto know that there was Karma waiting for him, lifetime over lifetimes.
2 - すずめ (1868)
思い出せない 大切な記憶
A precious memory I couldn’t remember
言葉にならない ここにある想い
A feeling I couldn't put into words
もしかしたら もしかしたら それだけでこの心はできてる
Perhaps, Perhaps it’s everything this heart made of
もしかしたら もしかしたら 君に「気づいて」と今もその胸を打ち鳴らす
Perhaps, Perhaps this heart is begging you to notice that it’s still beating
Jesse was sitting in a room relatively larger than any other living room he had ever been to, surrounded by typical shoji just like the other Japanese houses, so he could see the orangish hue of the dusk outside.
He was waiting for the head of the house alone in the room and he liked such a moment, so tranquil with just the sound of shishi-odoshi in the garden across the wall.
Even after years of doing his job and growing up in a Japanese household, the tatami mat was still hurting the back of his feet, he just grew accustomed to enduring it. Maybe in that sense he was closer to his father's side.
He could feel the summer was getting closer as the droplets of sweat seemed to make a pool on the hem of his dress shirt even though he had already taken off his jacket. After some sips of tea he had lost count to, the owner of the house finally walked into the room.
“My pardon Jesse- san , you must have waited for too long” A man in his forties wearing a light gray hakama appeared and sat across from him.
“Shonai- dono, Thank you for sparing your time for me” Jesse adjusted his position and bowed to the man.
“Please, don’t be too formal with me” The man giggled as he scratched the back of his head.
They continued with some ice breaker topics such as their wellbeing, the weather and other simple things before they were getting into the real business talk.
“By the way, Shonai-dono, I came to check the type of new silk that we are going to order” Jesse brought up the business matter.
“Oh, yes! My assistant told me that the samples are ready, he will accompany you to the workshop because I’m going to meet another guest after that. Is it okay for you Jesse- san? ” Shonai explained.
“Yes, that will do for me” Jesse replied.
“Ah! And it’s already dark outside, you should stay a night here” Shonai suggested, indeed it was already dark outside and it probably would be hard to find a rickshaw by the time he came back from the workshop.
“Is it really okay, Shonai- dono ? I can just stop by any inn around here” Jesse asked in doubt.
“Please I insist Jesse- san , we have plenty of empty room here”
“Well then, allow me to take your kind offer” Jesse said and he bowed to the man.
“Please make yourself at home, Jesse-san. After this my assistant will show you around, just call him if you need anything, Okay?” Shonai already stood up, ready to leave the room but before that he called someone’s name, “Hokuto-kun, please come in”.
Along with the sound of the door sliding, a man in a gray hakama entered the room. His hair was as dark as the deepest night, his face was very well sculptured, it was in pair to those arts hanging on the Daimyou’ s houses. When their eyes met Jesse felt like he was sucked into a vast universe, dark but adorned with millions of stars.
He was taken aback as the time seemed to move in a slow motion in front of him, there was a strong twinge of nostalgia at the back of his mind.
Jesse was sure he had never met the man, but he was also sure they had met somewhere before, as odd as it sounds.
“Please follow me, Jesse-sama ” the man gestured Jesse to follow him outside the room, and Jesse followed him after bidding his last greeting to the head of the house.
“Jesse-sama , we’re going to the warehouse first to check the materials first before it gets too dark, is it okay for you? Or do you prefer to go to your room and get change first?” The man; Hokuto, asked him after leaving the room.
“Let’s go to the warehouse first, it’s better to finish the work sooner” Jesse replied with a soft giggle, “ah, also don’t be too formal with me, I think our age is pretty close anyway” he continued.
“I understand. And… I will try with the formality” Hokuto answered with a slight bow, when their eyes met for a split second, the little throb in his chest came back.
Both men walked in silence as they were leaving the main house into the paved way leading to a wooden annex. Hokuto was walking slightly in front of him but Jesse could see a little bit of his side profile under the yellowish gleam of the lantern, and Jesse couldn't help but to marvel at how beautiful it was in the back of his mind.
The wooden annex was basically a silk warehouse, dozens sheets of fabric in different colors extended from one end to another.
Hokuto led him to a corner of the room where a silverish silk unfurled, the closer they got to the fabric they could see it has a soft emboss texture on it.
“This is the one that Shounai -dono prepared for you, Jesse- … san ” Hokuto said to him in a slightly awkward tone.
Jesse chuckled a little bit but he highly appreciated Hokuto’s effort on dropping the formality, “Oh, it looks so beautiful,” He then touched the fabric to get the feel of it on his skin “It feels nice to the touch too, Shounai -dono really knows how to produce a high quality goods huh” Jesse smiled to the person beside him.
“Yes, he is,” Hokuto replied in a soft voice, his eyes locked on the fabric in front of them and the corner of his lips lifted. It was the first time Jesse saw Hokuto smiling, and Jesse thought he could stare at the sight forever.
“Do you want to decide on this one or do you want to take a look at the other ones, Jesse-san?” Hokuto’s words drag him back from his train of thoughts.
“Oh, Umm yeah I want to check the other types too, for future reference” Jesse replied.
After that Hokuto showed him the other option of silks, the man knows very well how to explain the detail of every sheet of silk they took a look into. Jesse mostly just listened to Hokuto’s explanation while he couldn’t stop himself from getting distracted by the unfathomable feelings inside him.
After they’ve been there for a while Jesse finally decided to take the first silk Hokuto showed him and he also bought a roll of deep crimson silk for himself because Hokuto told him that it complemented Jesse’s appearance very well.
They left the warehouse and Hokuto showed him the way to his room, they walked in another silence and Jesse just kept switching his glance towards Hokuto and the crescent moon that was already hanging pretty high in the sky.
Once they arrived at the guest room Hokuto showed him around, the guest’s amenities were very well prepared in the room. Very likely of Shounai-dono, who was such a sociable person that he always had every guest room ready for any sudden stay.
“You can hang your clothes with this– ” before Hokuto could reach the thing he was trying to grab and finish his words, Jesse heard a startled sound from Hokuto as the man was losing his footings, and having an upper hand with his limbs Jesse’s reflex worked faster keeping Hokuto from falling.
“Woah, that was close!” Jesse muttered, then he realized he was holding Hokuto in his arms and the other man was leaning on his chest.
Their eyes met once again and this time it was different from the faint whiff of nostalgia he felt before, out of sudden it was like a series of memories flashed before his eyes, there were ruins, gusting wind, a black figure standing under the moonlight, everything was too fast for him to comprehend, but just one thing he was so sure about is that he saw Hokuto among the flashing scenes.
Both of them froze for what seemed like an eternity before Hokuto adjusted his footing and lifted his weight from Jesse’s hold.
“I’m sorry Jesse-san, I will excuse myself here” Hokuto gave him a rushed bow and about to leave the room but Jesse’s hand involuntarily reached and grabbed Hokuto’s hand, stopping the other’s motion.
“Hokuto-san, have we ever met before?” Jesse asked in a voice that felt so foreign to his own ears, there was a deep sorrow under his voice.
“… No we haven't,” Hokuto replied after a long pause, it was like he knew the answer but he wasn’t sure at the same time.
“Then… why are you crying?” Jesse scooted closer and his free hand reached out to Hokuto’s cheek, wiping the cold droplets streamed down from the corner of his eyes.
Jesse felt like there was a tight knot around his neck, a distant twinge of nostalgia on the back of his mind turned into a throbbing pain in his chest.
“Hokuto… Hokuto… '' Jesse called his name desperately, there was just a sudden need to spell the name, like something that had been dormant for too long suddenly awakened and Jesse feared that it would quickly vanish at any moment. His thumb was caressing Hokuto’s cheek like it was a fragile glass.
The moon outside the window reflected on Hokuto’s glassy eyes, and Jesse could see the same turmoil inside, as if they were reflecting each other’s feelings.
“Jesse…” as Hokuto called his name and Jesse could feel his heart beating irregularly, as if it answered to Hokuto’s calling, and as Hokuto leaned closer his whole being told him that they weren’t strangers.
Jesse was sure there were important memories somewhere deep inside them, so deep that they couldn’t get a grasp of it. And all those unexplainable feelings were impossible to put into words.
As if their bodies have their own consciousness, they both enfolded each other's presence.
It wasn’t the first time Jesse felt a warmth within his embrace, but having Hokuto in his arms was like a final piece of puzzle that finally fits into the whole thing. Their heartbeats were pounding in the same rhythm.
Jesse gently stroked the back of Hokuto’s hair, letting the other buried deeper on the crook of his neck, he had never felt at ease like this very moment, ever.
It was just a split second when they had their lives collided before their eyes, and in the next split seconds something got torn apart.
Jesse was reaching out to hold Hokuto’s hand in his, wanting to link their fingers together but then Hokuto suddenly pulled apart.
There was a horror reflected in his eyes,
“I… I’m sorry Jesse-san, I’ll have to excuse myself here, please have some rest” Hokuto stuttered with his words and hurried left the room before Jesse could reach him.
He was left alone in a deafening silence, with just the reality hitting him so hard. His weight dropped to the ground and he lay down on the tatami mats.
He covered his eyes with his arm hoping the tears wouldn’t flow but the effort was up to no avail.
Everything about Hokuto was beyond his understanding, it was something he couldn’t put in the mere wrong or right conception.
Jesse looked up at the moon outside the window, he saw it from Hokuto’s eyes before and from there on, he just knew that every time he looked up at the night sky, the moon would remind him of Hokuto. It would tear him apart, so much that he would forget about the cold feeling of the silverish metal on his ring finger.
3 - Hanataba (1902)
不器用な優しさに
The clumsy kindness
先回りで寄りかかってくれた
Going ahead everything and leans on me
美しい花束じゃない
Not a beautiful bouquet
名前のない花を選んでくれた
You gave me a nameless flower
こんなに悔やむほどに愛してしまった日々に
In the days where I have loved you so much that I regret it
あなたがただ残ってる
Only you that is left behind
約束できない私を許さないでね
Please don’t forgive me who can’t keep my promise
“Now remember this, don’t ever raise your voice against me ever again, Son”
A loud snap from the leather materials hitting a human flesh reverberating in that dim room, a teenage boy used all of his power to stand up facing the wall despite the sharp pain stinging on his back. He forbade any piled up tears to spill from his eyelids, just so it won’t prolong his punishment. He already lost count on how many whipping he had gone through that night.
Hokuto felt his nails dug too deep into his palm, wishing the punishment would soon be over, and that was when he heard a loud thud from the door, the next thing he heard was a scream from a voice very familiar to his ears. Another teenage boy dashed into the room with a chunk of wood in his hand, he crashed into the man behind Hokuto and with one swing the wood hit his head that was also followed by a loud screech.
Everything happened too fast for Hokuto’s sense because the next thing he realized was that the boy already took his hand and led them to run out of the room. Hokuto could only look at the back of the boy in front of him; Jesse’s back. After some time Jesse looked back in his direction, and his smile that night was something Hokuto won’t ever forget, probably for the rest of his life, and after, and after.
Hokuto and Jesse were not brothers, but they were more than just some normal childhood friends, they’ve known each other and lived under the same roof for almost all of their lives.
It was the foster home where they just ran away from, the place that should’ve protected them from the harsh world but turned out to be a living hell, all the strict teaching in the name of righteousness that they pent-up for more than a decade of their lives, Jesse took them out of there with his own hands.
That very night, they ran and ran until the horizon seemed to light up with an orangish hue, Jesse would stop every once in a while to ask if Hokuto was okay, and they finally stopped after they were far enough from the hill they left behind.
In front of them was a small town with a vast ocean expanded on its end. There was a small crowd in one of the corners of the street and Jesse guided them to one small ship.
As they were getting closer to the ship, there was a middle aged man looking at their direction,
“Oh seems like you made it there, Boy” the man greeted Jesse,
“Nishino-san, Please take us out of here! like I said before, I will work my ass off on the ship” Jesse said in a slightly trembling voice as he bowed deeply at the man.
“Haha, I like your spirit, Boy! But the journey won’t be an easy one” The man; Nishino-san, seemed to give him the last warning.
“I’m prepared, anywhere would be better than that place” Jesse continued, his eyes showing no sign of doubt.
“Get it then! Hang in there tho” Nishino-san’s face somehow softened as he guided them into the ship.
Once again Hokuto was just following Jesse’s back, he has so many questions on the back of his mind, “Since when has he planned everything”, “How did he manage to get Nishino-san on his side” , and above anything “Why has Jesse gone this far, is it because of him?”
It turned out Jesse knew Nishino-san because he often did an errand and delivered some vegetables to the people on the port, he often talked to Nishino-san and consulted about the abuse they went through at the foster home because one day Nishino-san saw some bruises on him.
Nishino-san offered to join him and sail to another city, but he said how to get there is all on his own. Somehow Jesse made up his mind and there they were.
Nishino-san gave Hokuto a change of clothes because his shirt was torn so much and Jesse managed to borrow some ointment to treat Hokuto’s back that was full of some fresh wounds, from red to purplish scars scattered diagonally.
“Does it hurt?” Jesse asked him when he winced to the touch.
“It’s fine,” Hokuto answered.
“Okay, it’s done!” Jesse told him a few moments later, “You should rest for a while” he continued.
“I’m okay,” Hokuto replied, to which Jesse responded with a frown,
“I swear” Hokuto let out some soft giggles.
“Hmm then, come with me for a bit” Jesse said, as he held Hokuto’s hand and urged him to tag along.
Jesse led them to the deck, the sun was already up but the ship hasn’t started its hustle bustle yet, apparently things will get busier as the night comes.
“Wow, the ocean is so vast!” Jesse shouted, “So pretty…”
Hokuto saw Jesse’s face lighten up with a soft smile, and somehow that morning felt like the best morning of his entire life.
“Thank you, Jesse,” Hokuto said, “I’m the older one but you are always the one that protects me.” Hokuto couldn’t help but lower his head because he felt so hopeless in front of Jesse.
“What are you saying, it’s only natural to protect what’s important to you” Jesse smiled, one kind that was Hokuto’s favorite.
Hokuto chuckled at Jesse’s words, “Then, from now on, I’ll be the one to protect you” Hokuto replied with a smile, but his words were filled with nothing but determination, Hokuto was looking straight at Jesse’s eyes as he said it.
“Then, promise me you won’t leave me alone, Okay” Jesse extended his pinky finger towards Hokuto, to which Hokuto mirrored and hooked their pinky fingers together.
“Yes, I promise”
That day Hokuto thought even the uncertain future seemed radiant if Jesse was there, by his side.
***
Three years have passed since the day they ran away from their hometown, after leaving a small island they ended up in the center of Osaka, blending in among thousands of low level workers trying to make a living in the city.
They managed to survive moving from one odd job to another until they found themselves a place to stay.
From a couple of teenagers they have stepped into adulthood, Jesse made himself a reliable construction worker that he kept getting called by the foreman. Meanwhile Hokuto found his hidden passion and talent as he worked at an Izakaya . Hokuto loved cooking and even though he started from washing the dishes he had always been fond of being in the kitchen and looking at the cooks working. It took him a full year until they let him help with the cooking but it only took them less than a night to see Hokuto’s potential.
The head cook offered Hokuto to be his apprentice and since then he grew even fonder of his job, until one day it led him to such a dilemma.
“Touri-san asked me to come with him to Kyoto, he said he will introduce me to his teacher so he could teach me too” Hokuto told Jesse one night after their dinner.
“Oh! That’s great isn’t it?! You should go!” Jesse beamed at Hokuto’s words.
“But… I will be away for a month…” Hokuto hesitated, for him it’s like he was about to break his promise to Jesse. Even if it’s only for a short period, leaving Jesse’s side was something that never crossed Hokuto’s mind.
“A month is nothing! I’m sure it will pass in no time, this kind of chance won’t come twice you know!” Jesse continued, reassuring the older with his signature smile.
Hokuto could feel Jesse has matured so much, he was shorter than Hokuto when they were kids but without him realizing. Jesse has grown taller than him, he had to look up to meet Jesse’s eye level when they’re talking.
“Oh! I forgot something, wait here” Jesse dashed to take something out of his working bag and fill in an unused glass with some water before coming back with a wide grin on his face, “I found this on the way home, it’s pretty so I took some for you”
Jesse handed him a glass with some wild flowers in it. Blues in color, the flowers stood out under the dim yellowish light of their dining room.
“You can’t just randomly pick some flowers like that! What kind of flower is this anyway” Hokuto chuckled at Jesse’s random antics.
“I don’t know, but it looked like a wild one so it should be okay!” Jesse giggled and put the glass on the table as he scooted closer, he embraced Hokuto from behind and snatched a peck on the older’s cheek.
“Jeez, you’re so unexpected. But thank you” Hokuto nuzzled closer and glued their foreheads together, “I’ll come back as soon as I’m done in Kyoto, make sure you take care of yourself, Okay” He whispered for only Jesse to hear.
“Yeah, I will”
They never put a name on what they have between them, never told a single soul outside the wall of their home, it was like their little secret; something only for themselves to understand. The only thing that mattered to them was that they held each other the dearest.
***
It was a cold January and the long awaited month has finally passed. Hokuto went back to Osaka, he had learned a lot in Kyoto and is pretty much ready to help Touri-san with the new menus they came up with in the kitchen. Hokuto also brought some sweets for Jesse, knowing the man loves the daifuku so much.
As he walked down the snowy path leading to their home, Hokuto could see a crowd gathered around their place, and somehow something inside him stirred up, his gut telling him that something wasn’t right so Hokuto rushed his steps.
One of his neighbors saw him coming and when he asked what happened she only answered, “Hokuto-kun! hurry up, Jesse-kun…” with sympathetic eyes.
Hokuto could feel his heartbeat drumming and when he finally broke through the crowd, his heart dropped to his feet. He saw a familiar face laying on the floor, a pool of blood under his head; it was Father Tamaki from their foster home, the one they ran away from that night many years ago.
And next to him was Jesse. Hokuto could see the other’s body trembling, there was blood dripping from the corner of his mouth and temple, there were also bruises around his neck and his eyes filled with nothing but fear. Hokuto never saw Jesse in such a state, not even once.
“Jesse!” Hokuto dashed onto Jesse and checked on him, “Jess, are you okay?!” When their eyes finally met, Jesse broke into a panic state.
“Hokuto, I… I didn’t mean, I– I killed him! I….” The younger broke into tears and Hokuto couldn’t do anything but to embrace Jesse into his arms.
“Jesse… I know, I know you didn’t mean to, you were in danger right? I’m sorry I wasn't here Jesse, I’m so sorry” Hokuto tried to calm Jesse down while his own emotion was in a turmoil, ignoring all the pity look behind his back.
“He came, and– and he– he pushed me and I– I tried to push him back but–” Jesse stuttered with his words, but Hokuto shushed him, he didn't need explanation for all he cared was that Jesse was alive.
“It’s okay Jesse, I understand”
Before they could barely get a grasp of the whole happenings, some men in uniform came in and dismissed the crowd, they called the paramedic in to take care of the man on the floor and urged Jesse to come with them.
“No, no, let me go too, you can punish me too” Hokuto pleaded to a man who was restraining him while the other ones were taking Jesse away.“No! Jesse, no! Don’t take him, please” Hokuto panicked.
The officers didn’t bat an eye at Hokuto and proceeded to take Jesse,
“Hokuto, wait for me” was the last words Hokuto heard from Jesse before they took him away, and it broke him.
Hokuto broke into tears all alone, haunted by a deep regret that he left Jesse’s side, had he stayed, things could be different, Jesse could be still there in their little safe place.
He succumbed into a deep despair, even after all those years, he couldn’t be the one to protect Jesse; he’s still the same hopeless man as his old self was.
***
Sakura petals have begun to bloom but Hokuto couldn’t care less about the spring or any seasons, he has only one place to visit anyway. The police decided that Jesse was guilty for his act and he has to serve some time in the detention. He was finally going to see Jesse again after a while, and he was actually scared that Jesse wouldn’t want to meet him. Of course he knew that Jesse wouldn't have such a thought; not even the slightest knowing him, but Hokuto fell too deep into the self-loathing hole that he dug himself.
“Jesse, you shouldn’t forgive me who couldn’t keep a single promise,” Hokuto said to no one.
Taking a deep breath before entering the gate, Hokuto determined to stay by Jesse’s side for as long as the man wished for. Until the day that Jesse himself told him to leave, Hokuto would stay.
And Hokuto wouldn’t forgive the mistake he had made, if Jesse were not going to blame him then at least Hokuto would count himself accountable for the rest of his life.
4 - Umbrella (1960)
Ah この雨がこのままずっと降れば
Ah, if this rain could just keep pouring
願ってはいけない そんな事は分かってる だけど
I know I shouldn’t ask for this
君に降る雨が いつの日か上がって青空を望んだら
If one day the rain stops and you look forward to the blue sky
その時私はきっと
That moment I will surely…
Whiiiiiiieeee-
The sound of boiling water in the kettle pulled Hokuto back from the faraway land he was imagining in his head, putting the bookmark on the page he was reading Hokuto put down the book on the coffee table.
He turned off the stove and poured the boiling water into the teapot filled with his favorite tea leaves. The warm tea will be a good companion to the book he was reading and the sound of pouring rain outside the window would make it perfect.
Hokuto brought a cup of tea with him into the living room, he was about to sink back into his sofa when a long ringing echoed in the room. Hokuto put his cup next to the book and walked into the phone desk, looking at the clock, Hokuto was pretty sure it could be only one person at the end of the line.
“Hello,” Hokuto greeted.
“Hokuto, can I come over now?” The other didn’t even bother to greet him back, there was a haste in his voice.
“Jess… Yeah sure, I’m on afternoon shift tomorrow” Hokuto answered as well as confirming the underlying intention the other person probably held.
“Okay, I’ll be there in 15 minutes” Jesse told him before the line cut off in such a hurry.
Hokuto has grown accustomed to Jesse’s phone call in the middle of the night, whenever he called in such a rush that could only mean the other was having trouble and needed a short escape.
They had known each other since elementary school, Hokuto had seen Jesse growing up from a shy kid into a confident man that he is, from a kid who barely speaks to someone who could speak to anyone he just met. Hokuto has seen so much that he knew even the side of Jesse that the man won’t ever show to anybody; anybody but him.
Hokuto managed to finish one chapter of the book and the tea when the bell rang, he was glad that he took a shower as soon as he got home, hence he didn’t have to rush. Or so he thought.
As soon as Hokuto opened the door he got pushed back with a stronger force, didn’t even catch how fast Jesse got in and closed his front door because the next thing Hokuto felt was a hand on the back of his head and a tongue inside his mouth.
Jesse brought their body so close that he could feel the racing heartbeat of the taller man, the scent of his cologne gently poked his nostril, Hokuto couldn’t resist the heat spreading all over his senses so he returned the kiss just as hard, circling both of his arms around Jesse’s neck for a support.
They threw out the fact that they were still at the doorway and just gave in to the building up fervor, Jesse pinned Hokuto into the nearest wall so he could prop him better, his hand slid under Hokuto’s pajama shirt, caressing every inch of the skin that came to his touch.
Hokuto backed off from the kiss to fill in his lungs, letting out a soft moan out of his mouth. But Jesse wouldn't just take a rest, his lips moved from Hokuto’s lips to his jawline, tracing it to the tip of his ears and then coming down to his neckline.
“Jess…” Hokuto tried to call in a short break but his voice sounded like nothing but a plea, urging to get more of everything they’re doing, “Jesse, let’s go to my bedroom first, we can’t do it here” Hokuto whispered into Jesse’s ear with the last willpower he had left.
“Hold on to me” Jesse pulled back for a moment and breathed into Hokuto’s ear.
Jesse took them into Hokuto’s bedroom in a few steps, letting themselves tangled on Hokuto’s bed; not letting the heat dimmed even for a second.
They found their clothes a hindrance eventually and the fabrics covering them were dismissed in a heartbeat. Their hands wanted nothing but each other’s warmth and their mouths wanted nothing but each other’s taste.
There was no space for sense of time, Hokuto had long lost count on how long he had been engulfing Jesse’s length down his throat. The sound of Jesse’s heavy breath and the fingers playing with his hair only added an excitement to Hokuto, he could feel that he was already so hard and dripping down there just from the raw-smelling taste all over his mouth.
“Hokuto– Ah…” Jesse’s fingers gripped onto his hair as Hokuto sucked his penis deeper, taking him closer to the edge. Then Jesse cupped his chin with one hand, “Stop it there, I want you” Urging Hokuto to let go; to which the older complied.
Jesse guided him down so his back was on the soft mattress, covering him with his taller build.
“Come here Jess, I want you too…” Hokuto wrapped his arms around Jesse’s neck and whispered the spell into Jesse’s ears; trusting Jesse to take them higher, higher to the place that belonged to them, and only them.
***
Hokuto remembered the beginning of their game all too well, it was a chilly autumn in their sophomore year of University. Jesse came into his dorm room in a gloomy mood, saying that he had just been dumped by his girlfriend.
“Why? I thought you two were so lovey-dovey lately” Hokuto asked as he handed a can of beer to Jesse.
“Well, how do I say this…” Jesse scratched the back of his neck, Hokuto didn’t interrupt and let Jesse take his time.
“You know… it’s…” He took a gulp of the alcohol before continuing with his words, “It’s the bed problem… I just, well… I can’t get hard with her'' Jesse took another sip after finishing his words.
“Ah…” Hokuto also took a sip of his can as he let the words sink in.
“I… have never done such a thing with any girl, today was the closest I’ve ever gotten into it. But it seems like I hurt her pride?” Jesse explained further, and with every word the beer cans on their hands got lighter in weight.
“Well, maybe you’re just nervous. Can’t you talk it out to her?” Hokuto suggested.
There was a pause between them while Jesse seemed to organize his thoughts.
“To be honest… I think girls don’t excite me that way for some reason, I don’t really know how to explain it, but I just…” Jesse groaned and couldn’t finish his words, looking all troubled with the furrowed brows; seeking an escape with another sip of beer.
Something inside Hokuto’s chest hitched as he processed the words Jesse just said, it was like a landmine that Hokuto was guarding suddenly getting stepped on by the only person he wished would never do.
Hokuto had always known that Jesse was special, the moment he met Jesse and the other was smiling to him, Hokuto felt like he had found his place in the world. The more he grew up the more he was sinking into a pool of unfathomable inkling that his feelings for Jesse came from a very distant memories, the memories that he wasn’t sure if it was his.
But Hokuto stopped questioning eventually.
“Then, wanna try it with me?” Hokuto was going to blame it on the alcohol no matter what the outcome would be, but he just couldn’t stop himself from giving his deepest desire a chance.
Jesse’s eyes bugged out; seemingly too stunned by Hokuto’s words, “What the–?! Are you drunk?!”
“I’m serious here, you want to test it out right?” Hokuto put the can of beer on the table, moving closer to the bed where Jesse was sitting then sat so close to Jesse that he could hear the other’s breath.
“I had such a phase myself and I’ve come to an answer, don’t you want your own answer huh, Jesse?” Hokuto whispered as he caressed Jesse’s tight, moving it improperly closer and closer to Jesse’s crotch, and the next second Hokuto felt a chill down his spine when he saw Jesse’s eyes darkened, a sliver of something that Hokuto perceived as lust peeking through.
It was the moment where Hokuto realized he was digging his own grave, a one way to a disguised hell of his own. But even in the last moment, Hokuto let go of the chance to make it right.
That night when Jesse cum down his throat for the first time, it was all started, but also over for Hokuto.
***
After some rounds of climaxes they finally lost to fatigue, they laid side by side trying to adjust their own breathing.
“Hokuto, you good?” Jesse asked
“Ugh, I feel like my sacrum is going to fall off,” Hokuto answered with a groan.
“Don’t use your medical term on me, Sensei ” Jesse snorted
“That means my butt hurts as hell, Jesse-san” Hokuto retorted
Jesse giggled at Hokuto’s words and snuggle closer to hug Hokuto from the side, “Haha I’m sorry~”
“What happened?” Hokuto asked with a gentle tone his hand caressing Jesse’s hand that was wrapped around his waist, he knew there must be something bugging the other.
Jesse didn’t say anything for a while, he just snuggled closer and tightened his embrace on Hokuto.
“My dad set me on an Omiai ” Jesse finally dropped the bomb and it blew too hard on Hokuto’s mind.
“I see… What kind of person is she?” Hokuto didn’t stop his hand from caressing Jesse as he asked.
“She’s the daughter of a diplomat, very pretty and smart too” Jesse answered, explaining the girl with praises but he sounded like an emotionless record tape.
“I see… so much for being a Mayor son huh” Hokuto moved to face Jesse in the eyes, “So, you’re going to get married?”
“I think so, I have no choice this time” Jesse stated, he said it calmly but Hokuto saw something that he hoped was uncertainty in Jesse’s eyes.
“Hmm… wanna elope with me?” Hokuto said mindlessly before his brain snapped it out of him, “Just Kidding~”
Jesse looked at him without saying a single word, his brows furrowed like when he didn't agree with something.
Hokuto pulled back from Jesse’s embrace and brought himself into a sitting position, “ You know this time will come eventually and you have to be ready, right?”
“You’re right, but…” Jesse stopped what he was about to say and then let out a sigh. He mirrored Hokuto and sat up then propped his chin on Hokuto’s shoulder while his hands rested back around Hokuto’s waist, “Can we stay this way a little longer, Hokuto?”
Hokuto tried to hide the twinge in his chest with a chuckle, “Only until your wedding night, Jess” Hokuto turned around and placed a peck on Jesse’s lips, looking at him with his inviting smile to which the other took the bait in a heartbeat.
The last question Jesse threw at him, he was positive that he wished for that more than Jesse ever would, Hokuto wished that they could just stay the way they were for the rest of his life. He wanted nothing but being in Jesse’s arms, yet it was something he shouldn’t wish for.
Hokuto knew that for Jesse, he was just a short escape, a temporary release that he would have to put aside eventually.
Like an umbrella that was in use only during the rain, Hokuto spent his life wishing for the rain to keep pouring in Jesse’s sky.
But Hokuto told himself to be prepared for the day that Jesse’s life would turn into a sunny day, where he no longer needed an umbrella.
He was prepared for sure, but when the time comes Hokuto couldn’t let himself be in Jesse’s life ever again.
5 - カナリヤ (2021)
いいよ あなたとなら いいよ
It’s okay, as long as I’m with you, everything is fine
もしも最後に何もなくても
Even if there is only nothing in the end
いいよ いいよ いいよ
It’s fine, It’s fine, It’s just enough
いいよ あなただから いいよ
Because it was you, everything is fine
誰も二人のことを見つけないとしても
Even if nobody found out about us
あなただから いいよ
Because it’s you, Everything is fine
歩いていこう 最後まで はためく風の呼ぶ方へ
Let’s walk together until the end, To the direction the fluttering wind is calling
“So, Hokuto told me that he likes me” Jesse dropped his story for the talk theme they were doing in the segment.
“Huh?”
“What?!
“When?!”
The other members responded to Jesse’s statement.
“Ah, I mean in my dream” Jesse continued and it finally made more sense, Hokuto himself was dumbfounded for a moment because he didn’t remember such a thing. After that they continued teasing Jesse and his messy way of telling the story, and then the episode turned into a hot topic among the fans for quite a while.
It was only later that Hokuto realized Jesse actually mentioned the story about his confession dream in a magazine too before, and he really wanted to blame Jesse for putting the thoughts into his head.
Hokuto had never put too much thought about his feelings, he knew that he always held Jesse’s presence dear, they spent so many years together as a workmate and they even got paired a lot when the whole group was separated.
Given the circumstances of course Jesse was an important person to Hokuto, but since he heard that confession-dream story, something from the deepest part of his mind was coming into the surface.
“Do I like Jesse romantically all these time?” was a question that popped up on Hokuto’s mind.
There was something unfathomable about his feelings towards Jesse, pondering over it was like looking at a calm surface of the sea, seemed so vast and endless.
And there was also an odd familiarity about it, like it has always been that way since all he could remember, thinking about it was giving him a surge of nostalgia, that seemingly came from a very far yore.
From there Hokuto dove deeper into his own feelings;
Hokuto holds Jesse dear that he wouldn’t mind following Jesse into his huge gamble worth his entire career.
He holds Jesse dear that Jesse’s words could give him the push to get out of his own shell.
Hokuto finds Jesse so adorable when he was genuinely clueless about something, that it made Hokuto want to tell the younger many trivia and teach him the words he doesn’t know.
He finds it very comfortable being around Jesse physically, like he could feel a certain warmth radiating and it made him feel calm.
There were times where Hokuto felt a weird sensation in his chest and stomach when he was alone with Jesse.
Hokuto tried to imagine what kind of thing would be his limit when it comes to Jesse, and to his surprise the range of things he would put up for Jesse were countless.
And his conclusion to the question in the end, was a Yes.
***
Accepting the realization about his feelings for Jesse came out as easy as breathing to Hokuto, but his growing self consciousness was something else and it’s quite a troublesome one.
Hokuto should be content with a one man show scenario, but he couldn’t help but reading too much into every single gesture that Jesse did.
The way Jesse spoke to him, the way their glances met, the subtle touches when the eyes weren't on them, every little thing led to an anticipation and expectation; and Hokuto was troubled.
Until one eventful day in the middle of December, they were in the middle of concert preparation where rehearsal became a part of their daily routine.
They were the last men standing in the practice room because both had to start late, and finally both of them got to wrap a day too.
There Hokuto found himself watching Jesse’s back mindlessly. The younger looked very reliable even from behind.
Hokuto didn’t know what he drank or smoked, there weren’t any specific triggers either but suddenly his feet just stepped closer until he was standing beside Jesse.
“Otsukare” Jesse greeted him when he realized Hokuto’s presence next to him.
“You too,” Hokuto responded nonchalantly.
Jesse kept going with what he was doing, and just before the Jesse fastened the zipper of his bag, Hokuto dropped a bomb, “Jesse, I think I like you”
Jesse’s hand suddenly froze and his surprised eyes met Hokuto’s curious ones.
“What is this? a dokkiri? ” Jesse scanned their surroundings left and right, and Hokuto couldn’t suppress a chuckle.
“I’m curious about that dream of yours, was there any continuation to that?” Hokuto decides to go roundabout, while he was internally surprised at how calm he reacted in the situation.
“What’s with that” It was Jesse’s turn to chuckle, “You didn’t do the first scene right so I couldn’t tell you what’s after that tho” Jesse continued
“Hmm? What did I do wrong?”
“In my dream you hugged me while you said that”
“You didn’t tell me about it so I didn’t know” Hokuto got a hunch that Jesse was teasing him but he played along anyway
“Had I told you, would you do it that way?” Jesse asked as he leaned closer to Hokuto’s side, his body fully facing Hokuto.
There was a short silence between them before Hokuto let his body react on its own.
It was Hokuto’s turn to lean in closer and wrapped Jesse in an embrace, “Jesse, I think I like you” He repeated the words.
“Haha! You’re unbelievable” Jesse snorted after a moment of pause but he returned Hokuto’s embrace anyway, “I like you too, Hokuto” He resumed.
Hokuto felt a skip of his heartbeat, but tried to keep his demeanor calm “Hmm… so it was a mutual'' he referred to Jesse’s dream again.
“Yeah, I was surprised myself” they carried on the conversation but nobody loosened their embrace on each other yet.
They stayed that way for some heartbeats count, just melting into each other's warmth.
“Then what about… this one?” Hokuto broke the silence.
“Hmm… isn’t it obvious already?” Jesse answered, then his hand moved to cup the back of Hokuto’s head, guiding it so they were seeing eyes to eyes, “I like the real you too”
“... Is that so,” Suddenly Hokuto felt like the words stuck in his throat, he wasn't actually prepared for such a comeback; he wasn’t prepared for any kind of outcome actually.
“Shall we date then?” Jesse asked him in return
“That’s…” Hokuto hesitated, “I… I didn’t actually think about that” Hokuto lowered his head, he can feel the bloodstream in his body centered on his face for some reason.
Jesse chuckled at his words and the warmth wrapping him moved aback, “just as I thought'' His gentle hand guided Hokuto to meet Jesse’s eyes one more time, “It’s okay, Hokuto. Everything can stay as it is” Jesse said in his sweetest voice.
Jesse hugged Hokuto one more time before he let go and then they left the practice room and went home like it was just a usual day, like they weren’t just conveying each other’s feelings.
***
Some days Jesse wished that he had more chances to do acting jobs, maybe that way it would be easier for him to put up a poker face around Hokuto. Of course his professionalism could get him through the job without showing his ever-growing feelings for Hokuto, but when their eyes met he wanted to look a little longer, when he felt Hokuto’s presence around him he wanted to scoot closer, when their hands accidentally brushed each other, he wanted to hold onto it so bad. Jesse had to admit that it was quite a challenge.
After he dreamt about Hokuto’s confession, Jesse felt an unexplainable awakening.
Like, the twitch on the back of his mind when he first saw Hokuto in those red jersey back then,
The way looking at Hokuto’s sleeping on the train on their way home somehow soothed him that he missed to wake Hokuto up at his stop,
And why he thinks he could look at Hokuto drinking miso soup for the rest of his life, even when he was so startled when Hokuto hugged him while congratulating him a birthday greetings last time,
Everything made sense; he had always bore certain feelings towards Hokuto.
That morning, suddenly it felt like he had been in love with Hokuto for much longer; beyond the memories he could track back, Jesse shoved it just as a momentary thing because his feelings just bursted all at once out of nowhere.
Little that Jesse knew that it was a part of their Karma.
***
The air was still chilly at night in the spring days, while Jesse was fine with a piece of long tee, Hokuto was still wrapped in his cute sweater. They finished the magazine photoshoot and wrapped up the day so they went to the parking lot where the manager was waiting in the car.
When they entered the van the manager greeted them and then handed them some printouts with the title of their newest single on the front page,
“Hokuto-san, Jesse-san, here’s the materials for tomorrow’s shooting, please take a read so you’ll get the overall idea about the MV concept” the manager explained.
“Kay~” “Okay~” they answered in a harmony.
They were sitting side by side in silence, so close that their shoulders were touching. Jesse loved such a moment where he could feel Hokuto so close to him, without any pair of eyes noticing.
They were reading the prints on their hands as they crammed the materials for the filming, until Hokuto mentioned something.
“Hmm… Jesse, have you read page 10?” Hokuto asked
“Ah not yet, what’s wrong?” Jesse asked back and leaned closer to Hokuto’s side to peek at his prints.
“This part” Hokuto pointed at an illustration, a man half laying on the ground and another man kneeling in front of the other while his hand cupping the other’s cheek. And what piqued his attention even more was that the labels on both illustrated men were written with their name on it.
“Oh?!” Jesse looked at Hokuto’s face in an awe.
“Stop it with the excited look, '' Hokuto whispered. Apparently Jesse couldn’t hide his excitement about the fact that he will have such a scene with Hokuto.
“Hehehe I’m looking forward to tomorrow” Jesse whispered back, ignoring Hokuto’s eye roll.
They stayed in silence the whole drive until they reached Hokuto’s apartment complex.
“Good night, see you tomorrow” Hokuto greeted him,
“Good night” Jesse answered and placed a kiss on the top of Hokuto’s head before the man left the car.
Their manager bursted into a laughter from seeing them through the back mirror, “Jesse-san, You’re still into that good night kiss joke huh”
Jesse reacted to it with a set of loud laughter while Hokuto threw another eye roll at both of them.
But of course Jesse didn’t miss the reddened part on the tip of Hokuto’s ears.
***
Jesse almost forgot about the scene that Hokuto was talking about the previous night until it was the time to shoot the scene. He slept through it without thinking much about it but when the time was getting closer he finally felt a little nervous.
They did some rehearsals before the actual take and as it was getting closer Jesse could feel his heartbeat drumming.
“Okay, we'll do the real take now, everyone get ready!” the director shouted to every soul in the room. Jesse took off his down jacket and let the makeup artist retouch whatever they put on his face.
He took a deep breath and fixed his costume one last time before he lay down in his position.
From the corner of his eyes he could see Hokuto was already standing in his position, he couldn't help but wondering if Hokuto also felt even a little bit of nervousness.
“Okay scene 28, take 1, and... action!” The director led once again, and the set became tranquil for a moment, followed by the sound of metronome and their song as a back sound so they could match the timing.
Jesse felt Hokuto's footsteps coming closer and his heart raced even faster, he closed his eyes and tried to calm himself down but then he felt a hand cupping his cheek, it was as it was written on the script, Hokuto cupped him on the cheek and guided him so their eyes met.
But for a moment there, Jesse could feel Hokuto's hand so cold against his skin, and when their eyes met Jesse could see a longing peeked through, despite Hokuto's cold hand he felt all the heat in his body suddenly gathered on his face, it was so hot that he was about to burst.
He saw Hokuto leaned closer, and like everything moved in a slow motion Jesse dove deeper into those eyes, realizing that he couldn't get enough of it, realizing that he wanted Hokuto so bad, all of him.
“Cut!” The director's instruction took him back from his train of thoughts, his eyes locked to Hokuto's for another split second before they moved.
He was pretty sure Hokuto spoke to him, probably talking about the shoot which he answered in autopilot as his mind was still in the 10 seconds back.
Jesse thought he could be content just knowing that they love each other, standing behind a transparent glass separating them, but he was wrong, he wanted to keep Hokuto even closer, he needed to, because for a moment back there he was sure he saw a flashed imagery of the lives without Hokuto, and he couldn't bear to think of that.
“Hokuto” Jesse whispered to Hokuto when they were standing side by side after the filming was done.
“Yeah?” Hokuto responded
“You don’t have another job after this right?” Jesse asked despite having already checked up their schedule app.
Hokuto responded in a short hum and nod to Jesse’s question.
“Then, won’t you come to my place?”
“Huh? Why?”
“I need to talk, or I can come to your place if you prefer otherwise,” Jesse answered with an option, “Please”
Hokuto showed a reluctant expression for a split second before his demeanor changed into a more concerned one.
“Okay, and your house will do” Hokuto chose to go along with whatever Jesse had in mind.
“Thank you”
After they wrapped up they went home together to Jesse’s house as they agreed on. The manager dropped them off at the basement parking lot and they walked side by side in silence. The elevator ride to the 11th floor felt like it lasted for too long.
Jesse thought he would back out at the last minute but he was unexpectedly calm and didn’t feel any doubt about his feelings, he was convinced more than ever that it’s Hokuto or no one else for him.
He took some glances at Hokuto but he couldn’t see the other’s expression clearly as his face was mostly covered with a mask.
“Get in” Jesse allowed Hokuto to follow him inside the house.
“Ojamashimasu” Hokuto greeted as he got in but before he even got to put on the slipper he felt a warmth covering his back, a pair of hands circled around his belly and Jesse rested his chin on Hokuto’s shoulder, “Jess?!”
“Hokuto, won’t you be mine already?” Jesse whispered to Hokuto ears.
The older was taken aback at Jesse’s straightforward words, when he tilted his head he met Jesse’s eyes, which felt like it radiating an even more straightforward feeling.
“Jesse? What’s gotten into you?” Hokuto gently pulled back from Jesse’s embrace so he could see the younger more clearly.
“Nothing’s big really, it's mostly because I love you, you’re already more than just a friend or a member to me, Hokuto” Jesse moved closer and held Hokuto’s hand, “You said you love me too, does your feeling change or something?” Jesse asked.
“That’s… that’s not it, but…” Hokuto stammered, but he didn’t deny the question, nor he tried to shake off Jesse’s hand on his. It’s not that he doesn’t want to make Jesse his too, he was just mainly scared if anything goes wrong, “Don’t you scared? What if we mess up and it affects our work?”
“I don’t know how to put it in a convincing way but… I just have this feeling that such a thing won’t happen with you, you know somehow I just… believe so” Jesse intertwined their fingers and brought their hands closer to their faces as if he wanted to show Hokuto how they’re perfectly fit together.
Jesse’s words made Hokuto feel an amassed heat on his face, he made it sound like he has so much faith not only in his own feelings but also Hokuto’s and the look in Jesse’s eyes made Hokuto feel so loved.
“You’re so cunning for putting it like that” Hokuto tried to respond in a snarky remark but even in his ears his voice was as soft and sweet as the cotton candy, he just couldn’t help it,
“But are you really sure?” he paused for a moment, “that kind of relationship… the world wouldn’t just accept it, do you plan on hiding it forever?” Hokuto finally asked his biggest fear.
“It’s fine for me, It doesn’t matter if we’re invisible to other people’s eyes” Jesse tucked some strands of Hokuto’s hair behind his ears as he spoke, “ I don’t care even if I have to turn my back to the world, Hokuto”
Hokuto knew he was already defeated, his questions and doubts wouldn’t stop him from falling into Jesse’s ploy, “Where did you get all of that determination…” he murmured the words but still faced Jesse with a smile.
“Of course I’ll give some serious thoughts about everything too” Jesse let out some soft giggles,
“I’m sure there will be some way to get through it, so…. will you be my boyfriend, Hokuto?” he asked in his gentlest voice as he scooted closer to cup Hokuto in the face.
Hokuto looked at Jesse’s eyes one more time, searching for the slightest hint of doubt but after all, what he saw was nothing but an immense determination.
Hokuto nodded in response, “Yeah, please take care of me from now on”
Hokuto wanted to believe in himself, in Jesse, in their feelings, because the moment Hokuto realized that he had fallen for Jesse, he had gone down too deep.
The next moment he was wrapped in Jesse’s warmth again, and he was sure there won’t be any place he wanted to be more than in Jesse’s arms.
“I’ll treasure you forever,” Jesse whispered, “and beyond” he continued.
Hokuto nuzzled into his chest to hide his giggles, “So sappy”
Jesse pulled back so he could see Hokuto’s face, the older smiled at him and Jesse thought the word beautiful was created solely for the sight he was seeing, He leaned in and Hokuto accepted him, their lips met for the first time and it was as if he saw the stars align, everything never felt so right.
6 - なみしぐさ (XXXX)
次はどんな二人で生まれよう
I wonder what kind of people we will be born next
恋人なのか はたまた 無二の友か
Will we be a couple? or perhaps just a friend?
君とならば どんな二人も 生きてみたい 抱きしめてみたい
If it’s with you, no matter what, I want to live the life, I want to hold it dear
私だけが知っている君を 私が知ることない君が
The “you” that only I know, and the “you” that I never know
いつか追い越してしまう時 ちゃんと笑えますように
I hope that one day when we pass each other, we’ll be able to laugh
“Jesse, look at this!” A cheerful voice is calling his name, and the owner of the voice is smiling at him, with a pair of canine teeth garnishing the corner of his mouth, making him seem so endearing.
He has seen the man so many times but Jesse still doesn’t know his name, or who is the man at all. One thing that Jesse was so sure of is that the man isn’t a stranger, he is probably someone Jesse holds so dear.
Jesse walks closer to where the man stands, he feels the corner of his mouth tugged upward mimicking the smile on the other’s face.
“Hurry, Jesse” the man urges him, but the more Jesse walks the further the man seems, it makes Jesse impatient so he walks faster, almost running even, but the man isn’t getting any closer.
“Jesse” the voice becomes further and his sight of the man is getting blurry, everything fades out until it leaves him with nothing but a blank white room.
“No!” Jesse jolts awake from his sleep, he scans his surroundings with wary eyes until he makes sure that he is in a familiar room of his own. He takes a deep breath and fills his lungs that are craving for some oxygen.
“Not that dream again” he sighs after he is fully awake, it isn’t the first time Jesse had a dream about a certain man, he has seen such a dream so many times, and every single time, it’s troubling him that he just couldn’t reach out to the man, but more than that Jesse doesn’t like the feeling of him forgetting something so important.
There is something about the man in his dream that feels very familiar, like they had known each other for eternity, but at the same time Jesse can’t even pinpoint who the man is. He finds it very frustrating.
Jesse checks the clock on his phone and decides that he might as well go to work earlier after another long sigh.
He walks down the street around his neighborhood, he has to walk for 10 minutes to the nearest station and today he got out of the house earlier than usual. The street is less crowded and it usually is and Jesse finds that it’s quite a nice walk compared to the usual hustle bustle around the rush hour, until his body bumps into something and it throws him out of balance.
Jesse tries to process the happening and gets up from the fall, then he sees a man in front of him that most likely caused the little incident.
“Are you okay?” Jesse gives the man a hand with his belongings that are scattered all over, but when the man finally faces his direction Jesse feels the time pauses. There Jesse sees the man of his dreams, with the same beautiful face, the perfectly sculptured side profile and the familiar dark hair.
A hand waving gesture takes him back from his train of thoughts.
The man is already standing in front of him with a concern in his eyes, his hands moving in unfamiliar gestures. Huh? Sign language? Jesse guesses.
Looking at Jesse that seems lost the man fetches out his phone, and then he flashes the screen to Jesse,
“ Are you okay?”
Jesse suddenly understands the situation and he quickly responds that he’s fine with a lot of nods.
“I’m really sorry, I was in a rush” The man shows him the phone screen again.
“Oh it’s okay, don’t worry” Jesse isn’t sure if the man can hear his voice at first but looking at the way he instantly responded to Jesse’s words with a sigh, he thinks it wasn’t a problem.
Jesse hands him the notebooks that he picked and the man does another gesture with his hands before he gives Jesse a quick bow and excuses himself.
Jesse pulls the man’s hand in reflex and before he gets perceived as a suspicious person he asks the question that has been bugging him, “May I ask your name?”
The man seems confused with Jesse’s action but he writes something with his phone then shows the screen to Jesse, “It’s Matsumura Hokuto”
“Matsumura… Hokuto” Jesse says the name, and the rush of unexplainable nostalgia hits him hard.
“Well then I’ll excuse myself here, Jesse-san” Hokuto shows him the phone screen one last time before walking away.
“Huh? How do you know my name?!” Jesse shouts at Hokuto who is already some feets away from him.
The man turns back and points out Jesse's ID card. Then he flashes a smile that Jesse has seen countless times in his dreams, and that very moment Jesse falls in love, like it was the first time all over again.
Jesse believes they will cross a path again, like he is so certain that they had crossed paths before.
Matsumura Hokuto Jesse repeats the name in his head, he has the north star in his name, and the way he came into Jesse’s life; Hokuto is like a midday constellation, visible to Jesse’s eyes and his only.